Fridays Jokes
- CYHeli
- 4th Dan
- Posts: 1825
- Joined: Jun 2006
Re: Fridays Jokes
Bird, do we really want to know how you found that....?
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
lol - ask me no questions - i'll tell you no lies
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get
one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” "hold it" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today at the shopping mall !! At least
I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband “You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back.” He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not
listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting 5 & 10 cent coins out on the kitten table when
she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to
reverse the bloomin thing.
Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter’, who has stabbed six
people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could
be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry
and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and
says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their picks nicked.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Regards R W
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get
one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .” "hold it" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today at the shopping mall !! At least
I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband “You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back.” He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not
listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting 5 & 10 cent coins out on the kitten table when
she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to
reverse the bloomin thing.
Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter’, who has stabbed six
people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could
be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry
and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and
says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their picks nicked.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Regards R W
-
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.
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Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
----------------------------------
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.
----------------------------------
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
----------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
----------------------------------
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. (Sorry Pegs & other female readers)
----------------------------------
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, ‘I’m having that’
----------------------------------
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya bastard. You’re in that feckin basket’.
----------------------------------
I had a Trivia competition sewn up until the last question, which I got wrong.
The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
The answer I should have given was “Fiji”
----------------------------------
Regards R W
----------------------------------
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
----------------------------------
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’
‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.
----------------------------------
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
----------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
----------------------------------
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. (Sorry Pegs & other female readers)
----------------------------------
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, ‘I’m having that’
----------------------------------
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya bastard. You’re in that feckin basket’.
----------------------------------
I had a Trivia competition sewn up until the last question, which I got wrong.
The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
The answer I should have given was “Fiji”
----------------------------------
Regards R W
-
- Silver Wings
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Dec 2009
Re: Fridays Jokes
I had a Trivia competition sewn up until the last question, which I got wrong.
The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
The answer I should have given was “Fiji”
Reminds me of a game show I was saw where a black lady was asked: "Where's the strangest place you've ever had sex?"
Her answer............................. "In the bottom"
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put one hand under your bra and my other hand down your panties. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips one of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. With his other hand he inserts it down her panties. He fondles her there also. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....This is too much information.......How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put one hand under your bra and my other hand down your panties. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips one of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. With his other hand he inserts it down her panties. He fondles her there also. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....This is too much information.......How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
-
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
THREE WOMEN
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."
-
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always
sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f***ing ear."
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always
sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f***ing ear."
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Mike, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Mike, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
The Gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Mike, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Mike, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
- StickyDingo
- Silver Wings
- Posts: 94
- Joined: Jan 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
I know its Thursday but.....
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'
On the Public Address system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'
On the Public Address system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
- black duck
- Capt Poppet
- Posts: 734
- Joined: Oct 2009
Re: Fridays Jokes
Something to offend everyone!!
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18..
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18..
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
"It's wabbit seathon! It' duck seathon! I dare you to shoot me now!"
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anesthetic injection.
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. “I cant do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “I'm fine with pills.”
When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”
The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
"It doesn't” she said,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. “I cant do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “I'm fine with pills.”
When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”
The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
"It doesn't” she said,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
-
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
More of something to offend everyone
British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim social security benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except VB. Barman asks, "What's wrong with VB?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of VB last night and when I came round I was f--ing skint."
Barman says, " 12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we come from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a naughty film but when you see a black woman eating a banana you think of the discovery channel?
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a job centre!
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim social security benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except VB. Barman asks, "What's wrong with VB?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of VB last night and when I came round I was f--ing skint."
Barman says, " 12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we come from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a naughty film but when you see a black woman eating a banana you think of the discovery channel?
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a job centre!
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
-
- Silver Wings
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Aug 2008
Re: Fridays Jokes
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's willy and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your willy.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'
One of them looks at the other one's willy and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your willy.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'
-
- Silver Wings
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Aug 2008
Re: Fridays Jokes
"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
Use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."
Teacher says "Jane, you go first"
Dough, D O U G H..
"Italians make pizza with dough.."
Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.
Dough, D O U G H.
"My brother makes things with play dough."
Very good, Mary...
"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?
"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
And he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"
Use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."
Teacher says "Jane, you go first"
Dough, D O U G H..
"Italians make pizza with dough.."
Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.
Dough, D O U G H.
"My brother makes things with play dough."
Very good, Mary...
"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?
"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
And he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
Possibly a true story…..
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitten floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.......
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitten floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.......
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
- If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
What is it??
Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"f#%k off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!"
.... Siamese twins having a w**k
Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"f#%k off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!"
.... Siamese twins having a w**k
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
- muppet
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 257
- Joined: Nov 2010
Re: Fridays Jokes
May have been done already...
BEST BARTENDER JOKE
An Ex-Lawyer,
a Lesbian,
a Pathological Liar,
a Fraudster,
and a Communist
walk into a BAR.
Bartender asks....
"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"
BEST BARTENDER JOKE
An Ex-Lawyer,
a Lesbian,
a Pathological Liar,
a Fraudster,
and a Communist
walk into a BAR.
Bartender asks....
"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"
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