Fridays Jokes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Sat Feb 15 2014, 04:20

Mobile Phone Etiquette.

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Central for Lithgow.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I'm on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life–yes, I'm sure, cross my heart”, etc.

In spite of the glares and frowns from other passengers, fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public anymore.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Sheldon Cooper » Thu Mar 20 2014, 00:52

A door to door saleman knocks on a door..door opens up and there's a 12 year old boy standing there with a lit cuban cigar, a cocktail, and a copy of hustler folded under his arm...salesman asks ''is your mom or dad at home?..kids says ''what the f--k do you think?''
rotornuts
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Thu Mar 20 2014, 17:17

I like the way Little Johnny,,,,,,,,,,,,,, wants to roll
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson .....

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore."
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CYHeli
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby CYHeli » Fri Mar 21 2014, 03:37

What did Chuck Norris say when he left home?

"Dad, you are the man of the house now!"
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Barneyb » Sat Mar 22 2014, 12:30

The Oscars

His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just Don’t Do It.”

Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called Blade Gunner.

If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby FerrariFlyer » Fri Mar 28 2014, 12:53

Yet another fine observation
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Robinsondog
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Robinsondog » Sat Mar 29 2014, 11:00

A close friend of mine who is about 85 not out told me this yesterday about when he was a bit younger.

One day the circus turned up in town and they are without a lion tamer for the their rather ferocious lion. The circus boss put an ad in the local rag. "lion tamer wanted". Along come two starters for interview one a good looking young Sheila, the other a fairly muscle bound smart young man. Ol' mate reckons this fulla is really mad, he ett the last 2 lion tamers he had, but if you want a go all OK.
The Sheila says , "me first", so the circus boss gives them the usual equipment, long cane, chair and pistol. She says she don't need that stuff but just peels off starkbolic naked and waltzes ring on in to the cage. The ol' lion thinks this is a bit different and he just walks up real slow, then rolls over a couple of times and lying down starts licking her toes and sort of meowing.
Crikey, the old circus boss hasn't seen this before and then he says to the young bloke, "Can you do any better?" He says, "blood oath mate but get that f'n lion outa there first."
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri Apr 18 2014, 04:28

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,
there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the
circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take
your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my
wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to kill him with the chair'
Barneyb
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Barneyb » Fri Apr 18 2014, 10:20

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Barneyb » Fri Apr 18 2014, 10:32

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equaliser.

The professor then said "Okay, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri Apr 18 2014, 11:14

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow , stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his sal ary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f#%k him'.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu May 1 2014, 11:19

'Why can't Ken get Barbie pregnant?'
'Because he cums in a different box'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu May 1 2014, 11:23

Wedded Bliss In Old Age Husband:
Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please, go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Do you need a torch?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep. And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.....
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Skid Marks
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Skid Marks » Fri May 2 2014, 05:00

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

..."Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Fri May 9 2014, 18:57

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Thu Jun 5 2014, 01:55

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F"

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T"

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Sep 4 2014, 02:33

THE BAGPIPER

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Sep 25 2014, 04:22

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too!'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.........
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Fri Oct 3 2014, 01:09

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day, in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The man said, "I'm NOT happy........My balls itch."
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri Oct 3 2014, 12:09

History of the Condom

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

In 1272, Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
FYI: I did not run this through Snopes but I got it from a friend that I totally trust.

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