Fridays Jokes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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Evil Twin
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Evil Twin » Fri Jan 4 2013, 22:51

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Robinsondog
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Robinsondog » Sat Jan 5 2013, 00:28

Good one ET,

I see where the yanks are trying to address the fiscal problems, the great BO was in Hawaii on holidays when his signature was required on the latest historic bill, it would have cost US$7M to get him back, too much they reckon they just used an auto sign, just goes to show who over there really gives s**t?

On holidays when they are facing what has been described as the greatest threat to their security since the War of Independence and the Civil War???? :?:

Here is something that should give you a laugh, their fiscal cliff explained, found on Catallaxy files.'

http://catallaxyfiles.com/2012/12/30/fi ... explained/
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Evil Twin
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Evil Twin » Sat Jan 5 2013, 01:19

$7m to get one bloke back from Hawaii, that's a joke in itself. Muppets!
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Bionic_kid
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Bionic_kid » Thu Jan 10 2013, 23:20

"Is anyone sitting here?" I asked, as I made my way up the aisle.

"Er, no" said the bloke.

"Great," I said, sitting down, "when does the film start?"

"I'm not sure."

"Do you want a Malteser?" I said, offering the bag.

"No thanks. Look, it's not really my business but do you really think you should be sitting here?"

"Why ever not?"

"Well, you're the pilot."
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Hello Pilots
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Hello Pilots » Thu Jan 10 2013, 23:41

Evil Twin wrote:$7m to get one bloke back from Hawaii, that's a joke in itself. Muppets!


Indeed. He could of got on American Airlines for $574.59
BenThomas
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby BenThomas » Thu Jan 17 2013, 12:48

Or ship the documents for say $20 :roll: , and people wonder why they are broke.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby ROTOR WORK » Fri Jan 18 2013, 06:28

The Hairdresser
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" said the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time on one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky," said the woman. "As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors one-on-one, and, if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.""Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said, "Who messed up your hair?"
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Jan 24 2013, 23:19

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'


But the blonde keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

'W I N A B A G E L'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Jan 24 2013, 23:22

OK one for the ladies......

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.

... ... "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff mum?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy"

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby ROTOR WORK » Fri Jan 25 2013, 00:00

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best

patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants

on my operating table because when you open them up, everything

inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try

electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians

are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like

construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have

a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when

he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..

Plus, the head and the bum are interchangeable.'
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby NEWBIE » Fri Jan 25 2013, 01:41

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart bum, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Sat Jan 26 2013, 07:22

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales."

"Why do you think that?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says,

"stit ruoy su wohs"
JONNOS
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby JONNOS » Sat Jan 26 2013, 11:01

Although well known within FBI circles the following revelation has been kept secret for many years until now. The real cause of the war against Osama Bin Laden was actually the unwitting wife of a certain US president, in whom he had confided one Thursday evening.
Rumour abounds that she had left for work early one Friday and prior to leaving had placed a concise note on the kitten cupboard for him, "Take Bin Out." Recluctantly, that day the president mobilised the military and the US intelligence agencies in a massive and costly effort.

Although somewhat surprised at the encouragement concerning a matter of great national importance, his wife had again left him another note before going out that evening with friends, "Bring Bin In".
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Feb 8 2013, 13:15

A sexually active, middle-aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years, they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
And that the first rose was from him:
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri Feb 8 2013, 23:03

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it heaps
break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

"See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby ROTOR WORK » Fri Feb 15 2013, 01:59

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.


The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
rotornuts
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Thu Feb 21 2013, 17:14

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.


She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.


When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?


Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.


I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.


Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.


A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.
:lol:
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Feb 21 2013, 18:21

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Feb 21 2013, 18:24

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
rotornuts
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Fri Feb 22 2013, 05:27

An old BLONDE LADY dies and goes to heaven._
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her
shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old blonde lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more _BLOOD CURDLING SCREAMS._
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
_'I CAN'T DO THIS,' SAYS THE OLD BLONDE LADY, 'I'M GOING TO _hell.'
'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old BLONDE lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'

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