Mondays Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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CYHeli
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby CYHeli » Sun Mar 9 2014, 10:32

Pilots, looking down on people since 1903.
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Saucepan » Sun Mar 9 2014, 10:59

Nice one Col....reminds me of..

How do you know if there's a pilot at your dinner party?

He'll tell you.

Cheers Saucepan
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Twistgrip » Sun Mar 9 2014, 11:02

A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available." :shock: :shock:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land." :shock:
"You can watch things happen, you can make things happen or you can wonder what happened"
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Sun Mar 23 2014, 11:35

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip, and then suddenly the most incredible piano music he's ever heard starts up. He looks around, but sees no piano, no speakers, no discernible source for the music.


Puzzled, he asks the barman, "Where is the music coming from?"

The barman answers, "Well I've got this little guy about one foot high, playing this little piano under the bar."

"No, seriously", says the guy, "where is it coming from?"

"Well, if you don't believe me, take a look and see for yourself", says the barman.

The guy gets up, walks around the bar and looks underneath. Sure enough, there's this tiny little man playing a tiny little piano. The little man waves and asks if he has any requests.

Amazed, he asks the barman, "Where in hell did you get that little guy?"

The barman answers, "Well, I was taking the trash out into the alley and saw this old dirty lamp. I rubbed the dirt off it, and suddenly this genie popped out and said 'I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only! So now I have this little man."

"Wow!", says the guy, "is that lamp still out there?"

"I guess so", says the barman, "go out and take a look."

The guy rushes out the back door and sure enough, there's this dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Out pops the genie and says, "I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only!"

Beside himself with excitement, the guy yells, "I want a million bucks!"

The next instant the alley is filled with a million quacking ducks.

Disgusted, he walks back into the bar and says to the barman, "Man, this genie of yours has a real problem with his hearing!"

"No kidding", says the barman, "did you really think I asked him for a 12-inch pianist?"
Low500
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Low500 » Sun Mar 23 2014, 11:46

London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Mar 23 2014, 12:32

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?’ The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Mar 23 2014, 12:41

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ......"

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea sir... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans".

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...

All coloured with Union Jacks and written in small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
rotornuts
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Sat Apr 5 2014, 23:16

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But none of them touches the man's penis and says, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.


FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.


BONUS TRUTH:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun May 4 2014, 11:39

House of ill repute

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

There were four men .....

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.


What were the nationalities of the four men?









* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish


Now wait for it ...








* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
ROTOR WORK
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Sun May 11 2014, 00:02

Good one for Mothers Day
Regards
R W

I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Sat May 24 2014, 17:52

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Sun May 25 2014, 13:09

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying sod!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitten and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work
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truthinbeer
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Tue May 27 2014, 07:50

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between “complete” and “finished.”
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished’ and, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Jun 1 2014, 13:11

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona, a little embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Jun 1 2014, 13:14

Who needs a dictionary when you have Dads ---

A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks, and then says "Right-o son. Go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, Dad! She said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a Million pounds."

"OK son," says his Dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy runs off, then comes back saying "Dad, Dad! She said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

"Theoretically this family could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poofter."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
nzflyer
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby nzflyer » Sun Jun 1 2014, 21:01

CASA
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StickyDingo
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby StickyDingo » Mon Jun 2 2014, 07:54

Three stunning women in bikinis were strolling along the beach on a sunny day, when they came across a man on the beach with no arms and no legs. The very sight of this played on their sympathies, and they approached the man.
The first woman knelt down and said: " you poor man. I feel so sorry for you having no arms and no legs. Have you ever been hugged?" The man said:"no, because of the way I look, no one wants to hug me". So she leans in and gives him a warm hug.
The second woman approaches, and says:" you poor man, have you ever been kissed?" The man said:" No, because of the way I look, no one wants to kiss me". The girl says:" well, I do" leans in, and plants a passionate kiss on the man.
The last girl remains standing back, and says:" You ever been f*#ed?" The man said " No." The woman said: "Well, you will be when that tide comes in!"
rotornuts
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Mon Jun 30 2014, 03:29

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Jun 30 2014, 13:11

The Dentist and the Girl

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes ...... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Jun 30 2014, 13:13

Miss Fanny Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....

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