Mondays Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
User avatar
Eric Hunt
3rd Dan
3rd Dan
Posts: 784
Joined: Sep 2006

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Eric Hunt » Mon Dec 23 2013, 10:00

Come on, T-Bird, look 5 jokes up the page.
User avatar
truthinbeer
1st Dan
1st Dan
Posts: 247
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Tue Dec 24 2013, 01:47

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "Well I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black."
User avatar
Thunderbird_1
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 51
Joined: Sep 2012

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Thunderbird_1 » Tue Dec 24 2013, 03:02

Thanks Eric - I should've looked! Just received the joke via email from a non-aviation buddy, thought that I should post it straight away... :lol:
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Dec 24 2013, 04:44

naughty list.gif
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Dec 24 2013, 04:53

More politically incorrect jokes .....

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of$175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitten?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Dec 24 2013, 05:06

With apologies to Eric, this is a recycled one from a couple of years ago, but its the right time of year to post it again :D

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
ROTOR WORK
Gold Wings
Gold Wings
Posts: 147
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Tue Jan 7 2014, 10:18

It Had to happen

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What's the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and Formula 1 car?
A.Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
ROTOR WORK
Gold Wings
Gold Wings
Posts: 147
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Tue Jan 7 2014, 10:26

A 'Baptist Preacher' was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas..
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the 'Preacher' if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the 'Preacher' replied, "I'd rather be tied up & taken advantage of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
colby
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 21
Joined: Mar 2009

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby colby » Tue Jan 7 2014, 10:27

Here's a good one!

"General Aviation!"

Haha can't stop laughing.
ROTOR WORK
Gold Wings
Gold Wings
Posts: 147
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Mon Jan 20 2014, 05:49

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot bum hole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face.............. PRICELESS
For everything else, there's Master Card
ROTOR WORK
Gold Wings
Gold Wings
Posts: 147
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Mon Jan 27 2014, 07:35

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.


"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an S - 58 Choctaw driver, flying off carriers back in the 70's, but when they retired the "S - 58" all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The bartender wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Magneto's Light.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Feb 10 2014, 00:27

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Feb 10 2014, 00:29

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!

..............She'd better not s#!t in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Feb 10 2014, 00:38

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
User avatar
truthinbeer
1st Dan
1st Dan
Posts: 247
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Mon Feb 10 2014, 21:31

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Edmonton were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electricity went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all married men exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
ROTOR WORK
Gold Wings
Gold Wings
Posts: 147
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Mon Feb 17 2014, 08:26

A man received a message from his neighbour
"Sorry sir I am using your wife...I am using day and night ....
I am using when you are not present at home....

In fact I am using more than You are using.....
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...
Hope You will accept my sincere apologies "



... And the man shot his wife.......


Few minutes later he received another message :
Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wifi not wife.















T
User avatar
truthinbeer
1st Dan
1st Dan
Posts: 247
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Mon Feb 17 2014, 09:06

Don't you like Pakistani honesty.
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Feb 23 2014, 12:27

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2 o'clock as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left. “Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter
comes over and asks them to pay.

The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Feb 23 2014, 12:30

Getting Married

Jack, age 92, and Jill, age 89, living in Perth, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
User avatar
If I Was A Bird
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Mar 3 2014, 13:32

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - £ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - £ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's 10 times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that s#!t again little man, you're in my cupboard now
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....

Return to “Just for fun”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest