Mondays Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Mar 10 2013, 05:09

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet...now her vagina has completely closed up!!!"

"Bummer mate"

"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Mar 10 2013, 05:12

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some time in their life, contain intelligent DNA.

Unfortunately, over 95% will spit it out!!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Sun Mar 24 2013, 23:49

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...


No, wait ... SORRY!

I'm thinking of beer.

It's beer that does all that s#!t.

Never mind!
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Low500 » Mon Mar 25 2013, 22:51

"The nam pilots will be retiring soon, so there will be plenty of work for low hour guys"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Mon Apr 1 2013, 18:32

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but after turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.


Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful
Intelligent
Gentle

Thoughtful
Innocent,
Trustworthy
Sensible.



Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Tue Apr 2 2013, 05:53

BAPTISING AN IRISHMAN


An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,***
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Sun Apr 28 2013, 12:05

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon May 6 2013, 06:19

Until recently i didn't know this.

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Mon May 13 2013, 10:54

The Worst Age To Be

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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The end of spelling as we know it

Postby CYHeli » Mon Jun 3 2013, 09:31

For all of the grammar police amongst us...

At the festival, Simon Horobin, a professor of English at Oxford, proposed spellings of 'they're', 'their' and 'there' be standardised and told 'grammar police' to relax over apostrophe usage.


Read more: http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parent ... z2V8zVdGWY
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Heli » Mon Sep 16 2013, 04:53

Image
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Sep 16 2013, 21:48

40 Shades of grey

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth ... back and forth ... in and out ... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK! I can't park the effing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Oct 7 2013, 13:48

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Thirty euros,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros.
So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is the police.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Nov 18 2013, 00:00

what wobbles and can fly?

A jellycopter :lol:
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Nov 18 2013, 00:06

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance
to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Mon Nov 18 2013, 08:48

The Italian Lover.
A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear..... "No, Norwegian.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Mon Nov 18 2013, 08:56

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip
for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me
on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first
replied, 'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying

butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some

floe resant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.'

'Wot? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties, cos honey, da fust thing they always looks

for is da Black Box.'
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Sun Nov 24 2013, 08:29

iTit
& yes there was a photo of a lovely naked lady with this joke :)

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Tue Nov 26 2013, 08:41

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle shop.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, you handsome helicopter pilot ~ would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of beer 'ya got?"
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Thunderbird_1 » Mon Dec 23 2013, 03:06

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion said, "And all these years, I've been blowing my nose and chewing gum."

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