Mondays Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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droptmcguts
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Mondays Joke

Postby droptmcguts » Mon Mar 22 2010, 01:14

Lesson 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: s#!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 3:

A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops s#!t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s#!t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep s#!t, keep your mouth shut.
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby droptmcguts » Mon Mar 22 2010, 06:31

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy. :D :D :D



Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!" :D :D
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Mar 23 2010, 08:45

In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12%liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet!!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby fly in the sky » Tue Mar 23 2010, 09:00

apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombers has been put down to Susan Boyle, now that they have seen what a virgin looks like they are not so f%#&*^g keen on going to paradise
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Yakking » Wed Mar 24 2010, 02:37

What's the difference between a helicopter pilot and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.
I wish I had a catchy saying like everyone else...
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby CYHeli » Wed Mar 24 2010, 04:36

Yakking wrote:What's the difference between a helicopter pilot and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

:lol: :lol:
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Pegs » Thu Mar 25 2010, 10:45

Yakking wrote:What's the difference between a helicopter pilot and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

:twisted: :wink:
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Flyin-jocks » Sun Mar 28 2010, 10:58

A Blonde gets a job as a school teacher. She goes outside at lunch time and sees all the little kids playing in the field. She spots one boy over by a tree looking over at the rest of the kids all playing. Feeling sorry for the kid she wanders over and says to him.
"Hey there, you can go play with the other kids you know"
"No I think it's best if I just stay here miss" He replies.
"Why's that son?"
"Cos I'm the Bloody Goal keeper!" :D
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Pegs » Sun Mar 28 2010, 22:32

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.

Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.

And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.

Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
:D :D :D :D
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Pegs » Sun Mar 28 2010, 22:35

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!" :? :roll: :lol:
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Pegs » Sun Mar 28 2010, 22:36

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life." :D :D :D
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Pegs » Sun Mar 28 2010, 22:42

Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby droptmcguts » Mon Mar 29 2010, 00:05

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!'' :D :D



Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart :roll: :D




The other day in Tasmania, a 42-year-old woman married a 14-year-old boy. Apparently, the marriage caused a huge controversy in Tasmania because they're not even related. :o

They took a survey of 10,000 women in Washington DC, and asked "Would you
have sex with Bill Clinton?"
86% said "Never again". :D :D
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby DragonFlyer » Mon Apr 18 2011, 09:08

An Aussie , an Englishman and an Irishman, are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Aussie says, “Yeah.....nice bar, but where I come from, back in Sydney, there’s a better one. At Dave’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and Dave himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Englishman says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one in London......Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink and Vinny buys you another drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Paddy's. At Paddy's you buy the first drink, they buy you drinks all night and then they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Irishman, “but it happened to my sister!”
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. :) :) :)
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Apr 18 2011, 11:14

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery..

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.


... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk......
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Apr 18 2011, 11:36

white man.jpg
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun May 1 2011, 18:41

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"
Last edited by If I Was A Bird on Sun May 1 2011, 18:49, edited 2 times in total.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun May 1 2011, 18:42

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun May 1 2011, 18:47

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Pegs » Sun May 1 2011, 21:42

If I Was A Bird wrote:
white man.jpg


IIWAB, I saw this joke about 15 yrs ago and have never been able to find a copy of it, thanks for posting, love it! :lol:
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.

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