Wednesday Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
ROTOR WORK
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Wed Jan 23 2013, 01:49

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitten, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitten, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
(Sorry Ladies)

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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Uncle Chop Chop » Wed Jan 30 2013, 03:11

Will Fly For Food
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Feb 5 2013, 12:25

Teacher "what comes after 69"
Student "mouthwash"
Teacher "get out"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Feb 5 2013, 12:31

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads...
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads, " he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses coss they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says. and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!""Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies,

"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies,

"How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off............ "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !! "
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Thu Feb 7 2013, 05:33

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO kitten SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place, instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
ROTOR WORK
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Tue Feb 12 2013, 23:24

A refuse collector in Cairns , Australia , is driving along a street picking
up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit
of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out
of his truck goes to the front door and knocks..
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and
then harder still . .
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door..
"Harro!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your
'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK.." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the
collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
ROTOR WORK
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Tue Feb 12 2013, 23:42

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once
again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo
aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned
once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another
penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and
put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow,
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began
to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation
of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot
time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
ROTOR WORK
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Wed Feb 20 2013, 02:39

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop
for a shave and a haircut and he tells the
barber he can't get all his whiskers off
because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
the barber gets a little wooden ball from
a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy
to put it inside his cheek to spread out the
skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells
the barber that was the cleanest shave he's
had in years. But he wanted to know what
would have happened if he had swallowed
that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a
couple of days like everyone else does".
helicopspeeder
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby helicopspeeder » Wed Feb 20 2013, 15:02

Rectum Stretcher - Priceless


While I was driving down the motorway the other day,

(going a little faster than I should have been)

I passed under a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot a55hole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Speeding ticket: $340.00
Court costs: $145
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
The voices in my head are debating the lyrics to "Hotel California"
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Wed Feb 20 2013, 17:19

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Tue Mar 5 2013, 23:56

Camilla's New Shoes

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour

But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
'That's my boy, once a private school boy, always a private school boy!'
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Robinsondog » Wed Mar 6 2013, 07:33

An oldie but a good one.
THE HILLBILLY FARMER

A hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old
mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.

Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached
him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
rotornuts
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Tue Mar 12 2013, 17:36

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...
Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Mar 20 2013, 06:05

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “Doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”





In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”



My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.



The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”



Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman. But as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking spot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”



I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Tue Mar 26 2013, 21:24

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Manly Ferry ."
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Wed Mar 27 2013, 03:24

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says"Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids..'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
rotornuts
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Wed Apr 3 2013, 19:11

Splinters in Her Crotch!

A woman who was a tree hugging greenie purchased a piece of forest near Collie, WA .

There was a large tree in one of the highest parts of her forest. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the local casualty department to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He looked at her and said:
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Department of Land, Water and Biodiversity Conservation before I could remove some old-growth timber from a recreational area adjacent to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Christine Milne and her Green Party policies, they turned me down!"
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Apr 10 2013, 03:34

MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge; I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead; I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious.

Thank you.
Luv Ya, Mama."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Apr 17 2013, 06:59

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol.
Police say it's definitely race related.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold
down a job, she's not for him.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I'll 'ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "'Ave yer got vertigo ?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round der corner."

------------------------------------------------------------------

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed May 15 2013, 05:25

The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
____________________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....

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