Wednesday Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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black duck
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby black duck » Tue Aug 7 2012, 11:03

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you idiot. For the last time . BRING POSSEE".
"It's wabbit seathon! It' duck seathon! I dare you to shoot me now!"
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StickyDingo
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby StickyDingo » Tue Aug 21 2012, 22:22

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'
ROTOR WORK
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Wed Aug 29 2012, 01:20

Flat Tyre
An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat.
With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel.

Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing.
Out hops a big Maori carrying a softball bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car.
The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the f**k are you doing bro!"
The Maori says "cool it man, if you’re taking the wheels, don't complain about me taking the CD Player!"
Regards R W
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Sat Sep 1 2012, 01:23

You think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell

An old Pilot sat down at the Tim Horton's and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women when I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Sep 19 2012, 12:43

NEW FOR 2012 CLITAURUS

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Sep 25 2012, 23:37

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

 "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

 "German," she replies.

 "Occupation?"

 "No, just here for a few days."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby black duck » Tue Oct 2 2012, 11:26

ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our bottoms - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
"It's wabbit seathon! It' duck seathon! I dare you to shoot me now!"
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Oct 2 2012, 13:10

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Daaaaarling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'


The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old arsehole what his name is.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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StickyDingo
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby StickyDingo » Tue Nov 13 2012, 21:37

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:


"Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!" - Noah, 4314 BC

"How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

"You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

"Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

"It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

"Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937

"Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

"What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

"I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
rotornuts
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Mon Nov 19 2012, 20:31

Two Thai girls asked me if i would go to bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had 6 matching balls.
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Dec 5 2012, 09:14

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Picapart » Wed Dec 5 2012, 19:10

A helicopter pilot walks out the bar.


naaaah just kidding!
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Dec 19 2012, 11:32

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the s#!t out of them!!".



Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.



Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"



Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Dec 27 2012, 02:49

Check this out and don't mess with the "Motherhood"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Jan 2 2013, 08:19

Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"



Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.



Man walks into a book shop and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
rotornuts
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Thu Jan 3 2013, 06:34

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
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Eric Hunt
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Eric Hunt » Thu Jan 3 2013, 08:48

Well, last week I tweeted that I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse, but forgot to use capitals. The RSPCA has been on my case.
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Jan 8 2013, 23:42

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Jan 22 2013, 11:44

Rabbi's Advice

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. He gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The youngster gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!”
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Jan 22 2013, 11:51

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.


I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69


I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.


Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).


Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.


Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....

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