Wednesday Joke

[If I Was A Bird]

Completely Inappropriate Jokes

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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they f#%k my wife after only five beers!"
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitten table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f#%k out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense … when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."

I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a f@@king goat trying to whistle!"

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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I f#%k a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

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The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said, "F@ck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own f#%k bike, and wanted to go home!

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A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later, when I'm drunk."

[truthinbeer]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
English Weather.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'


(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

[Sheldon Cooper]

http://hooniverse.com/2012/09/24/truth- ... ore-108741

[helicopspeeder]

A group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and said,

"Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She answered tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

With no hesitation she leaned back over the railing and did just that, and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss, followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George got a big thumbs-up approval from his biker buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then said,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."




It's still unclear whether he/she jumped or was pushed.

[CYHeli]

CASA are introducing a new level for the English Language Test.
After you pass you are qualified to interpret CASA Legislation.

The trouble is there is no one qualified to issue the rating....

[If I Was A Bird]

For those who haven't heard:

New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[If I Was A Bird]

Disneyland.
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the motorway when they saw the sign that said Disneyland ‘LEFT’. They started crying and turned around and went home.

Aberdeen Or Moon
Two blondes living in Plymouth were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away; Aberdeen or
the moon?' The other blonde turns and says, 'Helloooo, can you see Aberdeen?

Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it just died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you people would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

River Walk
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to
the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You are on the other side.'

Knitting
A policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper wound down his window, turned on his siren and yelled, 'Pull Over!' 'No!' the blonde yelled back, 'It's a scarf!'

Blonde On The Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were
the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

In A Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

[If I Was A Bird]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

[If I Was A Bird]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

[If I Was A Bird]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
Ooh! Said the presenter, This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?
‘Sticks?’ Paddy replied.

[If I Was A Bird]

Invitation: We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know

[Barneyb]

A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organisers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke the organisers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organisers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before" said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?" "Easy" said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic"...

[If I Was A Bird]

Subject: Mother in Law
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed!

This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail !"

[If I Was A Bird]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie

[If I Was A Bird]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s#!t inside!"

[truthinbeer]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

[If I Was A Bird]

Irish Burial at Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis, Now hand me dat shovel.'

[If I Was A Bird]

An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to 'Mum and Dad' on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend.
I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.

I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Sandra

P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes 5-0.

[Banjo-Kazooie]

A guy goes to a job interview.
Everything goes well and at the end the interviewer says, "I'm happy with your answers on everything, I just have one more question: What would you say is your worst personality trait?"
The guy says, "I'm brutally honest. No matter who it is, I cannot lie. I always tell the truth."
Interviewer says, "Well...I don't think that's a bad thing at all."
Guy says, "I don't give a f#%k what you think!"

[truthinbeer]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ... back and forth ... back and forth ...
in and out ... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I can't park the f***ing car! You do it!