Wednesday Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
rotornuts
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Wed Feb 26 2014, 01:23

" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Robinsondog » Wed Feb 26 2014, 03:25

My accountant who is always trying to score one up on me sent me this, reckons it reminds him of me.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/bAYrcu5_Pko?rel=0
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby FerrariFlyer » Tue Mar 4 2014, 11:14

Some will laugh, some will cry...but how far off the truth is it?

http://youtu.be/mICCfj-31Vg
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Robinsondog » Wed Mar 12 2014, 23:03

here's to all the diet junkies out there
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Apr 1 2014, 12:45

An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between The two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hah bah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , .......all bloody same.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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CYHeli
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby CYHeli » Wed Apr 2 2014, 06:35

Yes it's a plane, but....
Attachments
image.jpg
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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droptmcguts
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby droptmcguts » Wed Apr 2 2014, 09:41

rotornuts wrote:" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "



With a name like rotornuts and the above post, you've clearly got issues with Testicles.... :D
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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FerrariFlyer
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby FerrariFlyer » Tue Apr 15 2014, 13:24

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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed May 7 2014, 08:14

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot s3x.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed May 7 2014, 08:17

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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CYHeli
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby CYHeli » Tue May 13 2014, 08:15

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu May 15 2014, 05:49

[youtube]9WoM2bHfr48[/youtube]
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
Saucepan
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Saucepan » Thu May 15 2014, 06:49

[quote="CYHeli"]Flying cat.

Col, I laughed so hard knowing it was so wrong :D :D
rotornuts
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Tue Jun 3 2014, 01:52

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and
After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the
Bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine,
So I put it back!'
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby rotornuts » Tue Sep 30 2014, 08:18

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little s#!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
********************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*****************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at theGuinnessbrewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat ofGuinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*********************************************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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truthinbeer
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Tue Sep 30 2014, 10:47

A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Rashid, etc.

And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon etc, ...... who all drank wine!!

Now that's what I call a miracle!!
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truthinbeer
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Tue Sep 30 2014, 10:49

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,

"I'm divorcing Nathan."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says …..

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman !
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion !
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari !
You get $2,000 a week allowance !
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents !!!!?"
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Yankee
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Yankee » Tue Dec 2 2014, 14:43

True Friendship......

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Don't think of yourself as and ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Wed Mar 4 2015, 08:13

resemblance.jpg
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Yankee
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Re: Wednesday Joke

Postby Yankee » Wed Mar 4 2015, 14:40

Scrounged from the dark side...


Helicopter Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a helicopter company owner from the local airportd walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, track and balance, do hundred hour inspections, hot refuel aircraft with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Front desk" monkey; it can sell tours, take reservations, complete weight and balance forms, give passenger briefings and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"
Don't think of yourself as and ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

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