Jokes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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helothere
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Jokes

Postby helothere » Wed Nov 30 2005, 02:05

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin - but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
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helothere
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Angry passenger

Postby helothere » Wed Nov 30 2005, 02:27

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
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No Hurry

Postby helothere » Wed Nov 30 2005, 02:35

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Vancouver. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Vancouver."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Vancouver?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
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First Class

Postby helothere » Wed Nov 30 2005, 02:37

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African woman has found herself sitting next to a black man.
She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam," asked the attendant.
"Can't you see," she asked.
"You've sat me next to a kaffir (the South African N-word).
"I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human.
"Find me another seat! "
"Please calm down Madam," the stewardess replied.
"The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first-class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the woman, who cannot help but look at those around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full,'' the stewardess said.
"I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full."
"However, we do have one seat in first-class."

Before the woman can answer, the stewardess continues:
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that
someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said:
"So if you would like to get your things, Sir, I have your seat ready for you!"

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane.
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Squawks

Postby helothere » Wed Nov 30 2005, 02:55

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as 'squawks', recently submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve them (P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)...

P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P - Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - Seepage normal, Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!

P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
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Guts

Postby helothere » Wed Nov 30 2005, 03:08

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her by the man, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!"
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Ouch

Postby helothere » Wed Dec 7 2005, 10:17

The maschochist pilot shouts "pay me, pay me!"



After quiet consideration the sadistic operator quietly says...






"NO."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Yankee » Thu Aug 15 2013, 00:18

The Army Kiowa Warrior pilot was on a cross country when he encountered unforecast bad weather that precluded further flight under vfr conditions. After a quick self assessment of his instrument flying skills he wisely decided to make a weather precautionary landing. He noted that he was near a farmhouse with a large meadow nearby. He performed a near perfect autorotation into the meadow and was soon greeted by the farmer who informed him that he could stay overnight in his barn, but if he touched his daughter he would kill him.

The Kiowa Warrior ensconced himself in the barn and soon the daughter brought him some supper. It turns out that she was drop dead gorgeous so the proscription against touching the daughter went by the wayside and they wound up doing the dirty deed. The morning dawned to beautiful weather and the scout pilot went on his merry way.

A few years later, 7 to be exact, the scout guy once again found himself on a cross country in the vicinity of the same farmhouse and decided to drop in to say hello. After shutting down the sorry excuse for a gunship, the farmer's daughter met him with a six year old boy who looked a lot like him. She informed him that the child was indeed his son. The scout guy told her that if she had let him know about the situation that he would have done the right thing. The daughter told him that the family had talked it over and prayed about it and came the conclusion that it was much better to have a bastard in the family than a helicopter pilot.
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