Tower Quotes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
User avatar
Desertflyer
1st Dan
1st Dan
Posts: 209
Joined: Jul 2006

Tower Quotes

Postby Desertflyer » Thu Oct 9 2008, 01:09

Too much time on my hands etc etc...

For some light humour: http://www.moby58.com/jandakot/didyahear.htm
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
User avatar
with altitude
Gold Wings
Gold Wings
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2007

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby with altitude » Thu Oct 9 2008, 02:17

i cried laughing at them!!! i bet it happens where there are flying schools.. oh hang i can recall a few of my stuff ups over the years.... wrong call signs, misplaced land marks.... :shock:
User avatar
J-Wire
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 27
Joined: Aug 2008

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby J-Wire » Thu Oct 9 2008, 02:46

One of my favorites!!

Jandakot Tower, this is ....... s#!t I forgot! :D :D
Fortune favors the brave.
User avatar
Bedouin Prince
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 356
Joined: Aug 2008

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Bedouin Prince » Fri Oct 10 2008, 10:13

Thats funny as hell. I'm just glad that I didn't see a quote from me there. I know I've made a few mistakes, but non as funny as those.
I didn't recognise any heli callsigns there. I think we can rest easy in the knowledge that most of those came from fix wing guys.
Damn thats funny...."are you for touch and go or full stop?"-"Full stop"-"roger, go round". :lol: :lol:
I'm a pessimist, that way I'm either always being proven right, or pleasantly surprised.
Snowcarver04
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 71
Joined: Apr 2008

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Snowcarver04 » Wed Oct 15 2008, 12:56

thats just great.. where is jandekot
User avatar
wheatbix
2nd Dan
2nd Dan
Posts: 467
Joined: Oct 2006

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby wheatbix » Wed Oct 15 2008, 13:20

Snowcarver04 wrote:thats just great.. where is jandekot


Jandakot Airport wiki page.
:roll:
BJM
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 2008

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby BJM » Mon Oct 20 2008, 00:40

Mate sent me these -

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************************************************************

Tower: " TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it
hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've
got the little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at
the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able,
take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."
******************************************************************************************************


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich,
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what
is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
********************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8
landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on
the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it
all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another
one."

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a
Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have
you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,
-- And I didn't land."
Crusty
1st Dan
1st Dan
Posts: 210
Joined: Sep 2007

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Crusty » Mon Oct 20 2008, 05:21

I was flying into Kunnanurra many years ago and heard this exchange with a Ansett (I think) airlines pilot, trying to make a departure call .
"Whisky esky whisky" are.... "Whisky esky" " are..... " "are..... " "are bugger it WEW Departed Kun......and so on. Centre came back to him with a chuckle in his voice and just responded with "WEW " Track via ...BLA BLA...Quite funny at the timw.
Coriolis
1st Dan
1st Dan
Posts: 208
Joined: May 2006

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Coriolis » Mon Oct 20 2008, 06:21

This exchange supposedly occurred between a controller and the pilot of a BLACKBIRD callsign KNIGHT RAIDER:

Control, Knight Raider, request Angles Niner Zero.........(that's Ninety Thousand feet!)
Knight Raider, if you think you can make it all the way up to Angles Niner Zero, go for it!
Roger, Knight Raider ON DESCENT to Angles Niner Zero!

Try doing THAT in your R22??? :)
Life is like a ferris wheel;
Some days your on the top,
some days your on the botton!
User avatar
black duck
Capt Poppet
Capt Poppet
Posts: 734
Joined: Oct 2009

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby black duck » Tue May 24 2011, 01:52

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced
airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
------------ --------- -
ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for
workers along taxiway."
Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked -
all are working"
------------ --------- --
Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for
10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a
pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
Expect runway 06."
------------ --------- --
Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling
overhead, please identify yourself."
------------ --------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
------------ --------- ------
Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.
You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130
knots.'
Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and
thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now
11/2
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1
mile
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you..'
------------ --------- ----
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.
------------ --------- ----
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: Oh, Oh, s#!t! You have traffic!
------------ --------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain
250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
------------ ---------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------ --------- ---
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
------------ --------- -----
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
------------ --------- ----
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big
"E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean
.
Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'
------------ --------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
------------ --------- -------
Tower: 'American... and for your information, you were slightly to the
left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
------------ --------- --
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name
you'd get a better response!'
------------ --------- --
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over
by
some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------ --------- --------- ---
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus
330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and
give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
------------ --------- ------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
------------ --------- --------- --
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English
and lonely in the cockpit'
------------ --------- -
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
------------ --------- ------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and
push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: 'Affirmative. '
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
............ ......... ......... ....
"It's wabbit seathon! It' duck seathon! I dare you to shoot me now!"
User avatar
Little Bird
Gold Wings
Gold Wings
Posts: 109
Joined: Oct 2007

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Little Bird » Tue May 24 2011, 03:18

Controllers in The Kingdom generally hear what they want to hear, and are not so used to deviating from their set script. So when a new pilot comes through, it's always fun to keep the radio on and hear what's going on. A Dragonair charter came through quite recently and asked for push-back, was told to face north, the pilot replied face south, and commenced push-back with no further comment from the Tower. It was gold. Tower kept saying face north, Dragonair kept saying facing south, and in the end a 737's lined up facing the fuel depot and the pilot's mad as hell asking the Tower what they're doing!
User avatar
StickyDingo
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 94
Joined: Jan 2011

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby StickyDingo » Tue May 24 2011, 09:32

Unknown Aircraft: "Hello?.."
Easterwood Tower (me): "Please say again."
UA: "What?"
ET: "Who is this?"
UA: "This is Joe"
ET: "This is Easterwood Tower, where are you?"
UA: "I'm in the plane!"
(I looked down the flight line, checking if someone was sitting in a parked plane playing with the radio. I didn't see anything, and the senior controller was becoming more interested in my handling of the situation.)
ET: "Joe, where is the pilot?"
UA: "He got out when the engine quit.."
(I could only imagine a bizarre scenario in which the pilot had jumped from the plane.)
ET: "Joe, what does your airspeed indicator read?"
UA: (Long pause) "Zero?"
(So the plane was now in a stall I thought.)
ET: "Joe, whatever you have in front of you - a stick or a steering wheel - push it forward - you need to get airspeed over your wings!"
UA: "Are you sure?"
ET: "Yes Joe you need to push it forward... (pause)... What does your airspeed indicator read now?"
UA: "It's still zero."
(I thought, oh my god, Joe's plane was in a falling leaf spin. I couldn't help him. Joe was going to die. I did not know what to do. I looked to the senior controller. He said, "Ask him where his plane is.")
ET: "Joe, where is your plane?"
UA: "We are parked down at the end of the runway, the pilot got out when the engine quit and walked back to the hanger.."
ET: "Joe, get off the radio."
NoMoneyz
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 72
Joined: Jun 2010

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby NoMoneyz » Tue May 24 2011, 14:08

God that last one had me in tears
helifella
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 12
Joined: Aug 2008

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby helifella » Wed Oct 10 2012, 04:00

A Perth based airline on approach to Perth:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ENuekUWRbw
User avatar
bladepitch
3rd Dan
3rd Dan
Posts: 612
Joined: Jul 2006

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby bladepitch » Wed Oct 10 2012, 05:22

Hahaha I've delt with that Irish ( I think she is Irish) lady many times. Bloody hard to understand when its really busy sometimes.
User avatar
Capt Hollywood
3rd Dan
3rd Dan
Posts: 807
Joined: Sep 2006

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Capt Hollywood » Wed Oct 10 2012, 07:39

Years ago whilst working at Ayers Rock, the smaller fixed wing aircraft would often do an intersection departure. They didn't need the entire runway and it sped up movements which helped when Qantas was trying to mix it up with several charter and scenic flight aircraft. On this occasion, during a particularly heavy traffic day, a female pilot taxied out and the air/ground radio operator asked if she would be doing an intersection departure, her reply, "Negative sir, I always take the full length"

You could almost hear the crickets chirping......
User avatar
Tightly Wound
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 32
Joined: May 2007

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Tightly Wound » Wed Oct 10 2012, 11:55

I flew Hueys for a short time and one of the first things (among many) that I cocked up was the use of the foot switch for the intercom. For those who don't know, you use the foot switch for comms when you are not FP so you don't have to touch the stick; you do have to be careful, though, that the switches are set right so you don't 'hot mike' to the rest of the earth.

My first "starts and stops" sortie was done at the same time as one of my course mates who was in the aircraft behind me. My instructor was telling me to get a good grip on the twist throttle since the new gloves I was wearing could be quite slippery on the old and worn cork grip.

In the jet behind me, my friend was being told to "moisten" the end of his intercom lead with his tongue, to improve an obviously intermittent intercom connection.

We both obliviously wondered at the time why the tower had pressed the transmit key on their radio but never said anything (albeit uncontrolled laughter was heard from somewhere in the background)

I was told after we completed the sequence (in the bar amongst the laughter) that the two "hot mike" transmissions that the tower (and the whole world) heard, one after the other, were:

"OK I have a good grip of it" (jet 1)

"Just confirm you want me to lick the tip of it" (jet 2)

Felt like an utter muppet at the time but it makes me smile now.

TW
There's a nutter on every bus.

Have a look around and if you can't see one, it's you.
Flyting
Silver Wings
Silver Wings
Posts: 31
Joined: Dec 2009

Re: Tower Quotes

Postby Flyting » Wed Oct 10 2012, 12:45

Tightly Wound
Yup... been there and got caught with that one!!! I was telling my co-jo a very long story and when I finished the controller politely said: "thanks for that story, but the rest of us don't really care..."
I felt like a real chop :oops:

Return to “Just for fun”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest