Joke of the day

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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hand in pants
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby hand in pants » Sat Mar 28 2009, 01:09

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'


Then I thought... Fock - I could win this!'
Hand in Pants, I'm thinking, my god, that IS huge!!!!!!!!
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Izzy Fullashat
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Izzy Fullashat » Thu Apr 2 2009, 02:06

Man goes to his doctor and says: DDDDDDDDDDoc IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIm ssssssssssssssssisk of ttttttttttttthis sssssssssssssttttutter wwwwwwwwwwhat cccccccccccccan uuuuuuuuuuuuuu ddddddddddo?
Doc says: Drop your pants and lets have a look.
So man drops his pants, doc has a look and says: AAAAAAAAhhhh yes I see the problem your dick is too long and it is pulling on your vocal chords which in turn gives you the stutter.
Man says: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSo wwwwwwwwwwhat cccccccccccan wwwwwwwwe ddddddddddddddddo.
Doc says: Well a simple operation next week to cut your dick down a few sizes will fix the problem.
Man says: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOk ssssssssssee yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyou nnnnnnnnnext wwwwwwwwwwweek tttttttttthen.
Man has operation and it is a success no stutter, 6 months later goes back to the doctor.
Man says: Look doc as you can hear the operation was a success, but the wife is now very dissatisfied with the sexual side of things, so I'd like the operation reversed as soon as possible.
^
^
^
^
^
DOC SAYS: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEALS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEAL.



Izzy (could be)
OHH!!! CRAP I still cant come up with a catchy saying!!!!!!!
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Sun Apr 5 2009, 23:08

A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE
It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on
the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." This is incredible", said
the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL
Grand final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married
in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
Uncle Chop Chop
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Uncle Chop Chop » Mon Apr 6 2009, 00:52

What's the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?.......

The taste! **^**
Will Fly For Food
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Mon Apr 6 2009, 02:41

Speaking from Personal experience are ya Chop's ?? :lol:
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
Uncle Chop Chop
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Uncle Chop Chop » Mon Apr 6 2009, 03:38

Well you know what prison food is like.... not much chop!
Will Fly For Food
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Master Cylinder
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Master Cylinder » Sun Apr 12 2009, 03:37

Easter Joke...enjoy.

Three guys are sitting around a bar talking about holidays and the all agree that Easter is the best.

The first guy says "I love Easter! Every November everyone gets together, eats turkey, watches football, and are thankful and stuff!"

The second guy says "No, you got it all wrong! Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog. That's why it's the best."

The last guy shakes his head and calmly corrects them "The reason Easter is the best is it's the holiest day in the Christain calendar. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. On the third day he rises again and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
To fly is human, to hover...divine!
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Low Time
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Low Time » Sun Apr 12 2009, 09:00

A woman rang a Vet at 3 am in the morning and asked what she could do about 2 cats in her front garden.

"They're making love on the lawn and they're very noisy"

"But Ma'am, that's not unusual"

"I can't sleep, what can I do?"

"Bring them to the phone"

"Will that stop them making love"

"Well, it certainly stopped me!!!!!"
The Voices Are Back: 'Excellent!!'
sid snot
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby sid snot » Sun Apr 12 2009, 09:51

Q. How do you confuse an Irishman ?
A. Put 2 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick...
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Mon Apr 13 2009, 23:32

Barry joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Barry replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Barry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam toward him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Barry replies: "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man says: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Barry around, bends him over the bench and has his violent way with him.

Barry rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist who asks: "May I help you?"

"Here is your card and key back," Barry says. "You can keep the $500 joining fee."

"But Sir," the receptionist says, "you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."

"Listen lady," Barry says, "I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.... :lol:
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
NZHelo
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby NZHelo » Tue Apr 14 2009, 01:29

A travelling salesman goes to a house and knocks on the door. The door opens and the salesman is greeted by a 12 year old boy wearing fishnet stockings, high heels, sespender belt, bra, panties and is smoking a cigar. The sales man a little surprised asked the lad "Are your parents home?" To which the boy replies "What the f**K do you think"
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nzheliwhore
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby nzheliwhore » Tue Apr 14 2009, 03:27

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea - It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.
The first rule of holes..... If you are in one STOP DIGGING !
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Fri Apr 17 2009, 03:53

Confuscious says:

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade :lol:

Also:
Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
and.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set. :wink:
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
2rotorbro
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby 2rotorbro » Sat Apr 18 2009, 22:29

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah..' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to f off.
2rotorbro
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby 2rotorbro » Sat Apr 18 2009, 22:37

A rich man living in Darwin decided he wanted to throw a party and
invited all his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only Aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
prawns, oysters and BBQ flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a
million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking it's bum, jabbing it in the eye with his thumbs,
throwing punches doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the
top like a goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says "Well Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars"
"Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Colin.
The rich man said 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?"
'No thanks, I don't want it' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options' Again Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'
Colin said ................... 'I want the baastid who pushed me in the pool'
2rotorbro
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby 2rotorbro » Sat Apr 18 2009, 23:27

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
And shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun
around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is
heard from a distant corner..

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
2rotorbro
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby 2rotorbro » Sat Apr 18 2009, 23:30

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry
company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..


'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.


Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'


'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm
fine!'?'


Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question.'


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.


Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop
sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly
after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.


Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'


'Now what the Fook would you have said?
2rotorbro
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby 2rotorbro » Sat Apr 18 2009, 23:31

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.




The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
2rotorbro
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby 2rotorbro » Sat Apr 18 2009, 23:38

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to
them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and
enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the
course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a
living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply...

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.. I can
see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha
Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in
there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck off
to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here.
2rotorbro
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby 2rotorbro » Mon Apr 20 2009, 00:01

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to there room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing One.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In the bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'

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