Joke of the day

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby If I Was A Bird » Tue Aug 11 2009, 04:51

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
Crusty
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Crusty » Tue Aug 11 2009, 13:25

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp"

What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender..
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little jerk, O'Conner," says Sean,


"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

:D
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Oct 4 2009, 23:05

Subject: There was an Irish bloke, an Irish bloke & an Irish bloke.....


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry,"Put dem in A peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off
the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin'is too fockin' dangerous for me."

============ PART TWO ===================

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

========== PART THREE ==================

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag,and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'hengliding."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
WhiteElephant
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby WhiteElephant » Wed Oct 7 2009, 22:55

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'

Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

More Exchanges between Qantas Pilots and their Engineers

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Jinkai
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Jinkai » Thu Oct 8 2009, 06:26

Try this one at home

When your wife or girlfriend gets out of the shower next time and looks in the mirror saying she wishes her breasts were larger just tell her to rub toilet paper between them every day, she will doubt you, but tell her it will take time but it will happen. When she asks how you know this just tell her it worked on her @rse
Sonofapitch
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Sonofapitch » Fri Oct 9 2009, 22:57

A guy rings up directory assistance and asks for the details of jimmy johnston in redfern. The operator replies " do you have a street name?"
The guys pauses for a second and then says- " some people call me iceman".
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CYHeli
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby CYHeli » Sat Oct 10 2009, 06:23

Jinkai wrote:Try this one at home

When your wife or girlfriend gets out of the shower next time and looks in the mirror saying she wishes her breasts were larger just tell her to rub toilet paper between them every day, she will doubt you, but tell her it will take time but it will happen. When she asks how you know this just tell her it worked on her @rse

Why are there so many single guys out there... LOL :D
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Thu Oct 29 2009, 00:58

1) Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it...

2) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any :D

3) My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in :lol:

4) Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself :shock:
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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Hardman
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Hardman » Thu Oct 29 2009, 06:03

Here's a couple I recieved in an e-mail a few years ago.

Actual exchanges between pilots and ATC

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abaitment turn right 045."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
ACFT: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Ground: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
ACFT: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

There's a story about a military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was "running a bit peaked." ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach!"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know ones gate parking loaction, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PAN AM 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground Control and a BA 747 (BA 213).
BA 213: "BA 213, clear of active runway."
Ground: "BA 213. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven"
The aircraft pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "BA 213, do you not know where you are going?"
BA 213: "Stand By Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "BA 213, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
BA 213 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark and we didn't land."

Keep them coming.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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hand in pants
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby hand in pants » Fri Oct 30 2009, 10:59

Aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up'if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

A pilot overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121...5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . Read below....

The conversation.....
Iranian Air Defense Radar:'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
U.S.Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar:'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

U.S.Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up. I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defense Radar:(no response ... )
Hand in Pants, I'm thinking, my god, that IS huge!!!!!!!!
Iron Man
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Iron Man » Sat Nov 14 2009, 20:58

Osama Bin Laden memo


To: All Al Queda Fighters

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Subject: The Cave


Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the living daylights out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the "Wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of chocolate biscuits recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my biscuits were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore. :D
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Evil Twin
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Evil Twin » Sat Nov 14 2009, 21:15

Removed.

Appologies if this post caused any offence
Last edited by Evil Twin on Sun Nov 15 2009, 17:47, edited 1 time in total.
MicN7
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby MicN7 » Sun Nov 15 2009, 05:51

I reckon this wasn't the website you intended to sign into ET.

Mic

ET good on you mate - however looking at Johnny Drama's 'offering', and some of the other JOTD's before I reckon I might be on a losing streak here.
To clarify - my Partner loves the site, my Son in Law flies too, and - well, the whole big extended thoroughly family enjoys helicopters.

These are the people who made or had imposed on them huge sacrifices so that a few of us (mainly blokes) could go and pull sticks instead of having to get a real job...

We do also recognise that our potential clients (those who pay for the AV gas and maintenance that keeps an expensive piece of gear like a chopper in the air) might also be described as towel-rag heads, refugees or boat people, blacks or coloureds, jews, geeks, muslims etc etc etc,

Not to mention more than a few of our pilots too..

so we don't really get into having a laugh at the expense of marginalised minority groups - let alone the offensive or profane which tends to be unpalatable to women (even white) in their being objectified in that process.

So ET - please put yours back up mate (in the cold light of JD's latest the wit in yours is razor edged, and I aplogise for shoving my nose in in the first place.

Over and Out. Mic
Last edited by MicN7 on Mon Nov 16 2009, 09:37, edited 1 time in total.
JohnnyDrama
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby JohnnyDrama » Sun Nov 15 2009, 23:10

The Fukker Fish

While out fishing on a charter a priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, the skipper says,

"Whoa, look at the size of that f*#ker!"
"Now, now," says the priest, "Mind your language my son!"
Embarrassed, the charter skipper thinks quickly and blurts out,

"Oh! Sorry father, but, ummmm.... that's what this fish is called - it's a Fukker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the skipper and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fukker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no, your eminence," says the preist, "that's what this fish is called!"
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin

"Alright then - I could clean that fukker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this fukker?" he asks her.
"Dear Lord!" exclaims the Mother Superior, "What language!"
"No, no, that's what the fish is called - a fukker fish." says the bishop.
"Oh, I see... Well I never....", says the mother superior. "These nautical expressions.

Wonderful, I'll cook that fukker tonight then; its Friday and the Pope is joining us for the evening meal."
The pope arrives, dinner is eaten and the fish tastes just great. The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fukker!" says the priest...
"And I cleaned the fukker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fukker!" says the mother superior.


The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze; then he leans back on his chair,

belches, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a generous whiskey and says

"You know what? You c*%*#s are alright!"
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby If I Was A Bird » Mon Nov 16 2009, 22:46

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Bionic_kid
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Bionic_kid » Tue Nov 17 2009, 23:51

THIS IS A REAL ‘OH, CRAP’ MOMENT!

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go." The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?'' asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my Flight Instructor?"
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Yankee
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Yankee » Sat Aug 17 2013, 02:54

Not for little childrens ears... http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6905768/why-cant-you-use-phones-on-planes

Link fixed... enjoy... funny stuff.
Last edited by Yankee on Tue Aug 20 2013, 03:27, edited 1 time in total.
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Masto
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Masto » Mon Aug 19 2013, 08:23

Doing the rounds on Facebook...
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truthinbeer
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Aug 29 2013, 06:25

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Manly Ferry ."
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Skid Marx
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Skid Marx » Tue Oct 22 2013, 03:23

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog on a leash. The bartender says, ‘Man, that’s a weird dog. He’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of him.’
Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win. The bet is $100. There’s another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit bull terrier
all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, ‘So what breed is that anyway?’ The owner says, ‘Until I cut his tail off and painted him pink he was the same breed as every other crocodile.’

:D

Cheers
Have a great day

Skidz
Just trying to keep the same number of landings as liftoffs......

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