Joke of the day

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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DragonFlyer
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby DragonFlyer » Tue Jul 15 2003, 04:14

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when
he sees three nuns heading his way..

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God,
HAND LOTION TOO!"
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. :) :) :)
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phugoyd
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Joke of the day

Postby phugoyd » Sun Feb 10 2008, 22:43

It was Late April and the Aborigines in outback Australia asked their
New Tribal Elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
was an Elder in a modern society he had never been taught the old
Secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter
Was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
Went to the phone box, called the Bureau of Meteorology and
Asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
Meteorologist at the Bureau responded.

So the Elder went back to his people and told them to collect even
More firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.

"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at Bureau of Meteorology again replied, "it's going
To be a very cold winter."

The Elder again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
Every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Elder called the Bureau of Meteorology again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
Going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Elder asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Aborigines are collecting firewood like
Crazy."
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby LonelyLaura » Sat Mar 7 2009, 15:33

phugoyd wrote:It was Late April and the Aborigines in outback Australia asked their
New Tribal Elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
was an Elder in a modern society he had never been taught the old
Secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter
Was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
Went to the phone box, called the Bureau of Meteorology and
Asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
Meteorologist at the Bureau responded.

So the Elder went back to his people and told them to collect even
More firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.

"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at Bureau of Meteorology again replied, "it's going
To be a very cold winter."

The Elder again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
Every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Elder called the Bureau of Meteorology again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
Going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Elder asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Aborigines are collecting firewood like
Crazy."


:lol: that's funny!
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Queestce
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Queestce » Sat Mar 7 2009, 15:46

Hahaha, thats great!
LonelyLaura
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Re: Image of flag not funny

Postby LonelyLaura » Sat Mar 7 2009, 16:04

Well I was trying to post this in a new topic, but couldn't see how so am posting it here. I just saw your proposed new Aust. flag in the humour section of your gallery.... may I ask what is funny about it? Isn't Aust. supposed to be a friendly, welcoming country? That flag is not friendly nor funny.
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Re: Image of flag not funny

Postby nathan_m » Sat Mar 7 2009, 17:15

LonelyLaura wrote:Well I was trying to post this in a new topic, but couldn't see how so am posting it here. I just saw your proposed new Aust. flag in the humour section of your gallery.... may I ask what is funny about it? Isn't Aust. supposed to be a friendly, welcoming country? That flag is not friendly nor funny.


This is what he (she) is referring too, not sure who posted it.

Image

:?:
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Queestce
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Re: Image of flag not funny

Postby Queestce » Sat Mar 7 2009, 18:56

LonelyLaura wrote:Well I was trying to post this in a new topic, but couldn't see how so am posting it here. I just saw your proposed new Aust. flag in the humour section of your gallery.... may I ask what is funny about it? Isn't Aust. supposed to be a friendly, welcoming country? That flag is not friendly nor funny.


You say "your" implying it was phugoyd who posted it - or we all as a "community" did... I agree its pretty damn blunt - but in the same way its not really a serious proposition, and as such it probably shouldn't be taken seriously. To make a new thread, go to the main page of the section you want to post in, scroll down past all the current threads and click "new topic" on the bottom left of the page. Back to the jokes....
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby LonelyLaura » Sat Mar 7 2009, 22:44

Fine, keep it up. But I do take offense to it due to not being 100% Australian. I will drop the matter, but if I come across one more racist thing here I'll leave. Let's keep humor funny, not racist.

And thank you for letting me know how to post a new topic, hopefully from now on they will be happy and positive posts. Oh and in case you didn't realise I am a woman, Laura is a female name. :wink:
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hand in pants
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby hand in pants » Sat Mar 7 2009, 23:07

Sounds like you may need an injection of humour.
With things the way they are in the world today, find something to laugh about, not something to complain about, be postitive that way.

I love to see the good old "racist" card come out every time someone doesn't like what they see or hear.
Hand in Pants, I'm thinking, my god, that IS huge!!!!!!!!
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Hughesy » Sat Mar 7 2009, 23:57

Just mentioned the above joke to the boys while having coffee (quiet day here) and with some gentle rewording to suit New Zealand better it was bloody funny!
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby SICK HORSEY » Sun Mar 8 2009, 01:53

Laura wrote:


"but if I come across one more racist thing here I'll leave. Let's keep humor funny, not racist.",and....

something else about "happy and positive posts" :shock:



Hmmmm, wonder why Laura might be lonely? Newsflash...its an Australian forum, have a laugh instead of pulling the racist card luv. If you leave, I'm not to sure my world will be rocked....i will possibly get over it quite quickly. You expect all the current members to amend their behaviour just because you've joined ?????

Also, if you're after "happy and positive posts", suggest you don't participate in a forum designed and frequented by pilots :roll:

Mods: Understand this post may get removed and no dramas if this is the case. Just making a point about an FNG getting on here, preaching, then threatening to leave!!!!

SH
nathan_m
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby nathan_m » Sun Mar 8 2009, 02:11

Got this sent to me yesterday by a mate.

Not really helicopter stuff, but a laugh! Even the kiwi will smile when they read these!
Image


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.
Last edited by nathan_m on Sun Mar 8 2009, 02:25, edited 1 time in total.
Ray McCooney
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Ray McCooney » Sun Mar 8 2009, 02:20

Laura,
This one's for you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XY3TfjOeuhM
Regards
Last edited by Ray McCooney on Sun Mar 8 2009, 06:49, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Islandheli » Sun Mar 8 2009, 04:48

SICK HORSEY wrote:Also, if you're after "happy and positive posts", suggest you don't participate in a forum designed and frequented by pilots :roll:

SH


Hey Sicko,
Just because this forum is designed and frequented by pilots, does not mean that it has to be frequented by racist and sexist morons.
I also believe that the site was started in the hope of having "happy and positive posts".

So Laura, don't allow the minority to tarnish the majority.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Islandheli » Sun Mar 8 2009, 06:24

Getting back to the funny's.


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Islandheli » Sun Mar 8 2009, 06:44

More old one's.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!"

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the Parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby SICK HORSEY » Sun Mar 8 2009, 07:57

Island,

Who mentioned sexist?....not me. If you were bleating and posting useless ultimatums on a forum, I'd have a crack at you too champ. Just so happens our 'Lonely' friend is a woman...irrelevant my man!

Its a pretty big brush to tarnish everyone with the "racist and sexist morons" tag who has a laugh at the aussie flag gag isn't it?

I'd like to think topics are discussed that are real and relevant to the industry....if you think that can be done with only "happy and positive" posts then power to ya brother.

As Chopper said: Harden the F%#k up Australia :twisted: :twisted:

SH
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby made4trade » Sun Mar 8 2009, 10:03

I'm not racist, I hate everyone!
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby phugoyd » Sun Mar 8 2009, 11:25

You say "your" implying it was phugoyd who posted it -


Not my flag, the joke though used to be about red Indians and i changed it, suppose it has been changed a thousand times before that.

Have fun

Phugs.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Mongrel Dog » Sun Mar 8 2009, 13:21

Islandheli
Mate, you've missed your calling. Pure gold :D

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