Joke of the day

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Mon Apr 20 2009, 02:06

Ha Ha Ha .......What a pisser!!! :lol: :lol:
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Fri Apr 24 2009, 02:26

you May Be A Taliban If...."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our boys in Iraq prove they've retained their sense of humour with the following:

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $2,000 machine gun and $£1,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes .

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider bacon"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sat Apr 25 2009, 00:34

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says
hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and
says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
helicopspeeder
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby helicopspeeder » Tue Apr 28 2009, 04:32

Newly arrived from Christmas Island and successfully processed for emigration to Australia Habib is desperate to show his appreciation to any and all Aussies for taking him in.
It is Monday morning and Habib walks into a supermarket, strides up to the first bloke he sees and says "I AM HABIB! I love your country, thank you so much for taking me in"! The bloke says "steady-on mate I'm not Australian, I'm from the U.K.", "Oh, sorry" says Habib and continues his quest. Habib strides confidently up to another man who seems to be passing time in a park, "HELLO! My name is Habib, I love Australia and I would like to tell you how much I appreciate your hospitality and welcome"! he says, "I think maybe you have the wrong person" says the man, "I am from India". "Oh" says Habib, "sorry". Habib continues down the street until he arrives at a building with a long line of people outside, a sign on the outside says Centrelink. Habib approaches the first person he sees standing in the line and says "You must be an Australian! Thank you for taking me in and keeping me safe"! "Nah sorry mate, I'm not from here" says the bloke. "Wow", replies Habib, I can't seem to find any Australians, do you know where they all are?
"Got me stuffed Bro, they're probably all at work"!!!!
The voices in my head are debating the lyrics to "Hotel California"
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Kwyjibo
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Kwyjibo » Wed Apr 29 2009, 11:33

Two crocodiles on the side of the river, eating a clown. one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"!!!
Kwyjibo:\Kwee-jee-bo\ - n. - a bald, overweight, north amercian ape of below average intelligence
fly in the sky
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby fly in the sky » Fri May 1 2009, 00:49

sufferin cats boys, I dont mean to be prude but a couple of those jokes are getting beyond good fun. keep it clean and lets keep up with the witty stuff.
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Uncle Chop Chop » Fri May 1 2009, 09:22

A C130 is flying along with a F18. The F18 is doing all sorts of acrobatics, all the while ripping on the C130 pilot. The F18 pilot claims, "I can do anything you can do."

The C130 pilot accepts the challenge. "Alright, do that," he says.

"Do what," the F18 pilot asks, "you didn't do anything."

"Yeah I turned off two engines......" 8)
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sid snot
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby sid snot » Sat May 2 2009, 07:34

what happened to the piece of cake ??
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helothere
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby helothere » Sat May 2 2009, 07:40

Not everyone likes cake.
Uncle Chop Chop
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Uncle Chop Chop » Sat May 2 2009, 09:28

Image
Will Fly For Food
made4trade
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby made4trade » Sat May 2 2009, 09:43

What about the cake! What about the bulldog eating custard, that was fantastic.
Maybe I'm just sick, please help!
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CYHeli
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Cruise and shoot

Postby CYHeli » Sun May 3 2009, 23:07

Vacation Getaway! ............ Act Now!

You need to book this soon as possible as not only is ammo hard to find I'm afraid we may run out of pirates too once the word gets out!

A Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).

The cruise company is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the cruise ship. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days).

The ship itinerary is to sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some package details:

$800.00 US/per day double occupancy

M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5..56 armor piercing ammo at $15.95

Ak-47 Rifle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at $14.95

Barrett 20M-107 .50 cal sniper Rifle rental $55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at $9.95

Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).

RPG's are $75.00 each and $200.00 for 3 standard loads

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."

Meals are not included

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some text
from the ad.

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 2.04 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Reserve your package before May 29, 2009 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

Here are a few testimonials:

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun.
PIRATES - 0
PASSENGERS - 32
Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English"
Ned, Salt Lake city, Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their s#!t aim--reminds me of a
drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam"
"Chopper" Dan, Toledo USA.

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--This is a must do cruise.
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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Islandheli
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Islandheli » Mon May 4 2009, 02:12

Hey CY, that is the funniest thing I have seen for a long time.
How do we book and when are we going?
Uncle Chop Chop
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Uncle Chop Chop » Mon May 4 2009, 03:31

Hopefully this isn't too uncooth for BS guidelines ??? funny never the less....


Q: My husband wants a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing there's only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing and thats your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you are still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totaly selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two(it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him, then you cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris are.
A: Your clitoris are of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay for men is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is you do not love your husband as much as you should; he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you should make it up to him by performing oral..and cooking him a...

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one
A: I'm not sure i understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a great meal.
Will Fly For Food
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CYHeli
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby CYHeli » Mon May 4 2009, 06:53

I rang the swine flu information line,
but all I got was crackling... :)
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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droptmcguts
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby droptmcguts » Mon May 4 2009, 22:41

I got tested for Swine Flu yesterday!


Doc said I was o.k it was just that i was a chauvinistic Pig.. :wink:
Men have only 2 emotional states, hungry and horny.. So ladies, if you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.
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hand in pants
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby hand in pants » Wed May 6 2009, 23:26

Glad to see we have all taken notice of fly in the sky, mate, get a life.....................
Hand in Pants, I'm thinking, my god, that IS huge!!!!!!!!
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Evil Twin
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby Evil Twin » Thu May 7 2009, 00:57

Q: What do women and clouds have in common?

A: Usually after they f*** off, it turns out to be a nice day!
Last edited by Evil Twin on Thu May 7 2009, 03:52, edited 1 time in total.
sid snot
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby sid snot » Thu May 7 2009, 02:10

anybody know any fat lady jokes ?
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bladepitch
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Re: Joke of the day

Postby bladepitch » Thu May 7 2009, 04:32

Two fat girls were walking, when the bus came. One says to another : “ Is it my turn to ride on a bus today? “

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