Joke of the day

[CYHeli]

Why did the chicken cross the *SCREECH BLAM!*

Never mind...

[littlerob84]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

[If I Was A Bird]

Mummy Mummy I keep going round in circles
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

Mummy Mummy I hate Daddies guts
Just leave them at the side of your plate

Mummy Mummy how long will it take to fill the swimming pool
Shut up and keep spitting

What's white and wears checked trousers?
Rupert the Fridge.

What's green and brown, got 6 legs and if fell from a tree could kill you?
A snooker table

[choppersteve]

Kevin Rudd

[hand in pants]

What's green and swings in trees??

Monkey snot..........

[CYHeli]

[Uncle Chop Chop]

[imrb]

mummy, mummy
I've been graped

don't you mean raped?

nah, there was a bunch of them

[Evil Twin]

I can't guarantee the provenence of this story but it did at least make me laugh:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today!


A lady died last January and ANZ bank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 but is now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
I am calling to tell you that she died in January.

ANZ:
The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member:
Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

ANZ:
Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

Family Member:
What will they do when they find out she is dead?

ANZ:
Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both.

Family Member:
Do you think God will be mad at her?

ANZ:
Excuse me?

Family Member:
Did you just get what I was telling you. The part about her being dead?

ANZ:
Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.

ANZ:
The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

Family Member:
You mean you want to collect from her estate?

ANZ:
(Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

Family Member:
No, I'm her great nephew.
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
Could you fax us a certificate of death?

Family Member:
Sure.

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Family Member:
Well, if you figure it ou;, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.

ANZ:
Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.

Family Member:
Would you like her new billing address?

ANZ:
That might help.

Family Member:
Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.

ANZ:
Sir, that's a cemetery!

Family Member:
Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?

[Evil Twin]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag; pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!'

[helicopspeeder]

A blonde goes ice fishing:
She rocks up with all the gear, sets up her chair, leans her fishing rod against the chair and starts cutting a hole in the ice, suddenly a heavenly voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"!
Startled, the blonde moves further down the ice, sets up again and starts cutting yet another hole, again booms the heavenly voice "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"! Now worried she moves way down to the other end of ice and again starts to cut a hole "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"! comes the voice from the heavens again.
The blonde stops and looks skyward, "is that you Lord"? she inquires of the heavens.
"No" replies the voice, "this is the skating rink manager"!!!!!

[CYHeli]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no..'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
----------------------------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

[jetty]

Q What bank does a turtle go too?

A The river bank.

[Evil Twin]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit

> the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to

> the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do

> with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save

> them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and

> then they send us a free box of candles."

> "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

> question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way

> "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the

> crumbs?"

> "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying

> to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send

> them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a

> free box of matzo balls."

> "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

> the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with

> all the Leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

> "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save

> up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a

> year they send us a complete dick."

[Evil Twin]

This may explain a few things:

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal.
This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, which automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.


Independent studies have also shown that using Beer Goggles often causes the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For family people, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed to perform in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[If I Was A Bird]

Thought for the day:-

Handle every stressful situation like a dog...

If you can't eat it or hump it, Piss on it and walk away!

[Izzy Fullashat]

Husband & Wife are making love 1 night.

When Husband says: Honey can you moan real loud for me to really get me going.

Wife yells: OOOOOOHHHHHH GEEEEEEEE the ceiling really needs a paint.



Izzy (I still am)

[droptmcguts]

SCARE AT NSW STATE OF ORIGIN TRAINING:

Pre season training for the NSW 2009 state of origin team in Melbourne was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground. Initially officials thought it was a prank!!

The Coach immediately suspended training, while police and ASIO were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, NSW Police forensic experts flew to the scene and determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the try line.
Practice was resumed this afternoon after Police & ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[helicopspeeder]

YES!!! I LIKE IT!!!!
Very good.

[Kwyjibo]

A hallway in my house needed more light so I decided to install one of those lights activated by movement. So off I went to the lighting shop and told the helpful assistant that I needed 'a motion detector for my back passage'.

There was a pause and then she cracked up.

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A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.

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"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working." -Fred Marcum

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A short story...

The big bad wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down". The little pig said "p** off or I'll sneeze on you".

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A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.

"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.

"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That's how we got into this mess in the first place."

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SHE The stars are really shining bright tonight and look so beautiful don't they.

HE Darling ,I'm not in a position to say.

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"A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car."
-Jimmy Fallon

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People change politicians for the same reason they change nappies

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My wife said "Watcha doin' today?" I said "Nothing" She said, "You did that yesterday" I said "I wasn't finished."

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Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this."
With that, she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to
you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

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A doctor struck up a conversation with a hard-working 75 year old farmer while suturing a mean cut on the old man's leathery hand. Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Rudd. The old fella said, "Well, you know, Rudd is a 'post turtle.'" Unfamiliar with the term, the doctor asked him what he meant. The old man replied, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'"

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he
continued: "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of complete moron put him up there to begin with."

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"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book.
Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence." --Bill Maher

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"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'" -Thomas Friedman

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After ex plaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

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